Against all chambermaids, of whatsoever age or nationality, I
launch the curse of bachelordom! Because:
They always put the pillows at the opposite end of the bed from
the gas-burner, so that while you read and smoke before sleeping,
(as is the ancient and honored custom of bachelors,) you have to
hold your book aloft, in an uncomfortable position, to keep the
light from dazzling your eyes.
When they find the pillows removed to the other end of the bed in
the morning, they receive not the suggestion in a friendly
spirit; but, glorying in their absolute sovereignty, and
unpitying your helplessness, they make the bed just as it was
originally, and gloat in secret over the pang their tyranny will
Always after that, when they find you have transposed the
pillows, they undo your work, and thus defy and seek to embitter
the life that God has given you.
If they can not get the light in an inconvenient position any
other way, they move the bed.
If you pull your trunk out six inches from the wall, so that the
lid will stay up when you open it, they always shove that trunk
back again. They do it on purpose.
If you want the spittoon in a certain spot, where it will be
handy, they don't, and so they move it.
They always put your other boots into inaccessible places. They
chiefly enjoy depositing them as far under the bed as the wall
will permit. It is because this compels you to get down in an
undignified attitude and make wild sweeps for them in the dark
with the boot-jack, and swear.
They always put the match-box in some other place. They hunt up a
new place for it every day, and put up a bottle, or other
perishable glass thing, where the box stood before. This is to
cause you to break that glass thing, groping in the dark, and get
yourself into trouble.
They are forever and ever moving the furniture. When you come in,
in the night, you can calculate on finding the bureau where the
wardrobe was in the morning. And when you go out in the morning,
if you leave the slop-bucket by the door and rocking-chair by the
window, when you come in at midnight, or thereabouts, you will
fall over that rocking chair, and you will proceed toward the
window and sit down in that slop-tub. This will disgust you. They
No matter where you put any thing, they are not going to let it
stay there. They will take it and move it the first chance they
get. It is their nature. And, besides, it gives them pleasure to
be mean and contrary this way. They would die if they couldn't be
They always save up all the old scraps of printed rubbish you
throw on the floor, and stack them up carefully on the table, and
start the fire with your valuable manuscripts. If there is any
one particular old scrap that you are more down on than any
other, and which you are gradually wearing your life out trying
to get rid of, you may take all the pains you possibly can in
that direction, but it won't be of any use, because they will
always fetch that old scrap back and put it in the same old place
again every time. It does them good.
And they use up more hair-oil than any six men. If charged with
purloining the same, they lie about it. What do they care about a
hereafter? Absolutely nothing.
If you leave your key in the door for convenience sake, they will
carry it down to the office and give it to the clerk. They do
this under the vile pretense of trying to protect your property
from thieves; but actually they do it because they want to make
you tramp back down-stairs after it when you come home tired, or
put you to the trouble of sending a waiter for it, which waiter
will expect you to pay him something. In which case I suppose the
degraded creatures divide.
They keep always trying to make your bed before you get up, thus
destroying your rest and inflicting agony upon you; but after you
get up, they don't come any more till next day.
They do all the mean things they can think of, and they do them
just out of pure cussedness, and nothing else.
Chambermaids are dead to every human instinct.
I have cursed them in behalf of outraged bachelordom. They
deserve it. If I can get a bill through the Legislature
abolishing chambermaids, I mean to do it.